Title
That’s It — You’re on the List
Written
December 2006
Inspiration
Carnivorous monkeys
Dedication
To plagiarism, your friend during those difficult times
Style
Leviticus
Target Audience
Mold and other low-brow organisms
Editorial Notes
Everything here applies to people who stand still on escalators
That’s It — You’re on the List
Despite what psychologists, members of the clergy, family-oriented therapists and law enforcement officials say, having a “people to kill” list is not only healthy, it is perhaps mandatory in our modern world.
There’s nothing as liberating as being able to stare someone in the eye and say in a Steve Buscemi kind of voice (which is quiet, but like you’ve killed someone before), “You’re on the list.”
Take that time a bitchy 50-something-year-old lady tried to push in front of me at the supermarket checkout. Instead of giving her a backhander and telling her to “get to the back of the queue, bitch”, I could have simply said, “You’re on the list”. This would have saved the valuable time of the two police officers who were called to the scene, the judge and the prosecuting lawyer. All I had to do was put her on the list and follow her home to find out where she lived.
Liberating? I tell you what.
Even today’s technology lends itself to the purpose of list making. The only sensible use for a blog is to publish and maintain your “to kill” list (and, of course, for people to comment on your choices, make suggestions of targets you might have missed, and to inform you when specific people can be removed from the list because someone else got to them first).
Incidentally, I would recommend against trying to cut in line at the supermarket (or anywhere else for that matter). There are a lot of people out there less stable than I am, and needlessly annoying them is a sure way to earn a trip into the “dark room” to pick from a police line-up.