Title
You'll Never Be Better than Scudwillicker
Written
January 2008
Inspiration
Mormons
Dedication
To McConaughey, who is the only actor alive who could come close to playing Scudwillicker in the Scudwillicker feature movie
Style
Hands down pants
Target Audience
People with mouths
Editorial Notes
(Any dead actor would also be capable of playing Scudwillicker)
You’ll Never Be Better than Scudwillicker
Remember: you’ll never be better than Scudwillicker.
Scudwillicker is so powerful that even though he went back in time and killed his grandfather, he still exists.
Scudwillicker can make pigeon pie without any pigeons.
Scudwillicker can download porn from the internet without having an internet connection or a computer.
Scudwillicker can turn semen into wine.
Scudwillicker’s skin is so hard he can shave with one finger.
Scudwillicker accurately predicted the exact moment of his death and then thwarted death by not actually dying (in the process raising innumerable logic issues regarding whether his prediction was a success when he didn’t actually die, or if he is so powerful that he died and lived simultaneously, making his prediction correct but able to defeat it at the same time).
When Scudwillicker pounds your arse, you instantly lose all memory of your life up to that point.
If Scudwillicker cooks you a meal, you will never be able to eat anything else again because it will taste like ashes in your mouth.
Scudwillicker never cooks, because cooking is for his mindless and soulless servants.
Scudwillicker doesn’t keep servants or any other possessions, because anything that can be referred to as “Scudwillicker’s” instantly becomes as good as Scudwillicker due to the association with his name.
Nothing is as good as Scudwillicker.