The Lump of Gold in the Groin

I'm tired of plucking out my pubes, looking for the one that is connected to the lump of gold in my groin.

The Lump of Gold in the Groin — the greatest historical invention of Julius Caesar — dates from the time when Caesar, as a handsome boy of some 12 years, grew a thick patch of his own pubic hair and attracted the attention of some “gentlemen” within the Roman senate. (Fortunately for the senators of that period, Ancient Rome had no laws against Biblically knowing children — in fact, they even encouraged it with generous tax reductions for those who indulged in a boy or two.)

Due to his train-into-tunnel prowess, the senators granted young Caesar access to Rome's armies. Caesar immediately dragged the cohorts into Gaul to help build one million volleyball courts, which Caesar wanted left behind as a lasting monument to his reign.

History says that during Caesar's important twelfth year, he accidentally plucked one of his new pubes and found — to his and his hairdresser's marvel — a nugget of pure gold attached to the end.

Despite obsessively plucking his pubes throughout his life (one contemporary Roman is quoted as saying, “If Caesar pulls out any more of his pubes, he'll be as bald as Lex Luthor”), Caesar never found another gold nugget. The myth, however, lives on.