Indiana Jones and the Mummified Career

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It's no secret that Harrison Ford is older today than he was a few years ago. (Or maybe it was a secret. If so, the secret is now out.)

Rather than wither gracefully like a marsupial tail in a cooking pot, Ford has dragged his desiccated corpse out for a final showdown with stereotypical foreigners.

What isn't widely known are the many potential plots that were considered and rejected for the new movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Here are a few that were on the shortlist, but for one reason or another weren't chosen for the final screenplay.

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc Welder

Indy has gathered a lot of junk over the years, and now can't find his arc welder in his overflowing garage.

He has to organise a group of students to help him look for it on a Saturday morning, offering extra credit for anyone who helps.

Indiana Jones and the Punchcard of Doom

Indy has quit archaeology and joined the computing department at his university. His first job is to clean out the punchcard reader.

Hilarity and action ensues.

Indiana Jones and the Last Bullwhip

Environmental protestors (the forerunners of the 1960s hippies) have blockaded Indy's favourite bullwhip factory. Indy must fight his way into the compound through the smelly hordes (who are inexplicably aided by neo-Nazis) to secure the last remaining stocks of his favourite whip brand.

In a side plot, Indy experiments with the dark side of drug addiction after smoking a “reefer”.

Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Crystal Decanter

Indy has broken his father's favourite whiskey decanter, and must journey to all the department stores in the city, looking for a replacement.

Hilarity and action ensues.

Indiana Jones and the Bad Fishstick

The aged care facility where Indy lives serves up spoiled fishsticks for dinner. Indy complains, and fresh fishsticks are cooked and brought out. The old folks still aren't happy. Indy starts to lead a revolt against the staff, but then forgets who he is and shakes his fist at “you damn kids”. Then he drools.

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At the moment I'm hanging out for the fifth instalment of the series: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Poon. It will centre on debauchery in a Chinese opium den/whorehouse and I expect the cast will include a middle-aged Shortround (played by original actor Jonathan Ke Quan).