The World's Greatest Auctioneer

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I'd just like to let everyone know that my hero is auctioneer Brett Roenfeldt. According to his website, “He's the hottest hammer about town”. I know that's short for “He has the hottest hammer about town”. And the hardest.

I want to do everything Brett has done. Brett is so good that he's won three golden gavels. I wish I'd won a golden gavel because then I'd be able to pound people's arses with it.

I idolise Brett because at auctions, he's not afraid to accuse bidders of stealing contracts off the kitchen table.

Now that's confidence!

Willing to embarrass and alienate a homeseller's customers with baseless accusations in a public forum. Some people might call that sort of behaviour “unprofessional arse-hat-ism”, but I call it a sign of greatness.

And, if anyone says anything to him about his behaviour, he says, “Make a complaint” and then runs off to his next auction like a little grey-moustached horny toad to avoid the slings and arrows from the bidders at the auction he's just completed.

Brett does over 800 auctions a year, totally disproving the old adage that you can't have quality with quantity. If I was going to auction my house, I know I'd hire Brett because I could be sure he'd devote the required attention to sell my house at a great price (while potentially leaving some of the bidders bewildered with accusations of theft. No auction is complete without accusing the bidders of something).

An 800-auction-a-year workload would prematurely age and give bowel cancer to a normal man, but not Brett Roenfeldt because he's great.

I love Brett so much that I'm not afraid to say I'd like to meet him in a very dark place where I might rekindle the place in my heart that has for so long been cold and lifeless.

When I die, my only wish is that Brett Roenfeldt be buried alive with me.