Thought for the day:
You can find out a lot about a person by eating them. (31/12/2007)
Latest Updates
For your viewing pleasure, a reverse chronological list of updates:
- The Last Huzzah for 2007 (The Can Opener Incident) (31/12/2007)
- Weird: Riker Balls (21/12/2007)
- Remember Me for the Final Countdown (17/12/2007)
- Short: The Boy Who Could Fly (for 4 seconds) (10/12/2007)
- Next Year’s Colour Scheme (2/12/2007)
- Weird: Election wants to be a Millionaire (25/11/2007)
- Short: Tips On Leading a Long Life (23/11/2007)
- Pie Floaters are Alien Lifeforms (17/11/2007)
- Weird: Beaten With a Freudian Switch (12/11/2007)
- Short: Friday Night Monkey Semen (5/11/2007) (Updated 7/11/2007)
- Starch is Life (4/11/2007)
- Weird: Remnants of the Weekly Suck (30/10/2007)
- Short: A Good Poo Joke (24/10/2007)
- Two Zildjian Cymbals Gain Sentience (18/10/2007)
- Weird: You’re Being a Dick (13/10/2007)
- Short: On the Edge, Teetering (11/10/2007)
- Bundy Stickers (7/10/2007)
- Scary Potter and the Chamber of Rootrats (1/10/2007)
- Short: Paying For It (23/9/2007)
- A Comment on My Previous Work (Third Year Anniversary) (20/9/2007)
- Weird: Let’s Go and Rub Yourself (16/9/2007)
- Short: Stop Drinking (11/9/2007)
- Achieving Your Life Goals (6/9/2007)
- Weird: The Great Vulnerability Sphere (2/9/2007)
- Short: Preying for Sheep (27/8/2007)
- Exam Question: Compare Baudelaire with Bo Brady (22/8/2007)
- Weird: ...of the day (19/8/2007)
- Short: Name-a-burger (15/8/2007)
- The Morals of Stealing Stationery (6/8/2007)
- Short: Carrot-tops of the World Unite! (5/8/2007)
- Weird: Cockroach Souffle, Rent-a-boy, and Other Stories (30/7/2007)
- Eva Longoria and I (22/7/2007)
- Short: Stale Piss in a Bottle (20/7/2007)
- Weird: Thoughts of Belligerence (15/7/2007)
- Fifties Suck (8/7/2007)
- Short: Erectile Dysfunction (30/6/2007)
- White Trash Finds God (29/6/2007)
- Weird: The Steeple People Made Me Do It (28/6/2007)
- Hold It Against Kelly Clarkson (24/6/2007)
- Short: Push In Front of Me, Will You? (18/6/2007)
- The Guessed Biography of Josh Holloway (12/6/2007)
- Weird: Three Things to Remember Before you Willingly Donate your Bladder to Science (11/6/2007)
- Short: Super Worth a Bunch of Roses? (10/6/2007)
- What KFC Doesn’t Have (4/6/2007)
- Weird: The Socks of Destiny (28/5/2007)
- Short: Kristy the Hamper Slayer (27/5/2007)
- House, Season 3 (a review) (17/5/2007)
- Weird: Half a Million Pies Baked in a Double-Barrel Opportunity (14/5/2007)
- Short: Clothing is Evil (10/5/2007)
- The Searing Hot Poker of Destiny (26/4/2007)
- Weird Drugs (Tomorrow)
- Short: A Message to the Puppet Master Behind the Curtain (23/4/2007)
- Signs You Might be Living in a Horror Movie (19/4/2007)
- Weird: The Power of Greyskull Will Come Again (in your arse) (15/4/2007)
- Short: Sinead O’Connor versus Jack Black (9/4/2007)
- Living La Vida Lopez (aka The Pregnant Bowel) (2/4/2007)
- Weird: Loving Louis Vitton (31/3/2007)
- Short: Useless Internet Debates (26/3/2007)
- Blood Diamond: The Interpretative Screenplay (17/3/2007)
- Weird: How the World Relates to Moulin Rouge (14/3/2007)
- Short: What’s Your Cat’s Name? (10/3/2007)
- Defending Harry Potter (2/3/2007)
- Discount Fuel Vouchers Revisited (25/2/2007)
- Short: Should I Eat the Salmon? (20/2/2007)
- Bending the Mollusc: Bend Harder (18/2/2007)
- Weird: Stolen Car Intrigue (12/2/2007)
- Being Greater/Grater than Alexander (7/2/2007)
- Short: An End to Update-a-Day (31/1/2007) (Updated 1/2/2007)
- The Half-Hag Concoction (30/1/2007)
- Weird: Bent as a Mollusc (29/1/2007)
- Short: Wishes are People Too! (28/1/2007)
- Hit Songs for the Scabrous (27/1/2007)
- Short: Jay Leno Invented the Alphabet (26/1/2007)
- Weird: The Namibian Brightmare (25/1/2007)
- Hard to Kilt (24/1/2007)
- Short: Taking the Piss (23/1/2007)
- The Stupidest Olympic Event (22/1/2007)
- Weird: Little Blue Shorts (21/1/2007)
- Short: The Man with the Bad Crumpet (20/1/2007)
- Servicing Naomi Campbell (19/1/2007)
- Weird: The Font of Knowledge? (18/1/2007)
- No I Will Not Read Your Blog (17/1/2007)
- Short: Bubbly Hot (16/1/2007)
- Ask the Good Doctor—Self Help for Noogs (part 1) (15/1/2007)
- Weird: The Cock-knock at Hanging Rock (14/1/2007)
- Short: How Did it Make you Feel? (13/1/2007)
- Nescafe Noir (12/1/2007)
- Weird: Consultation with the Village Idiot (11/1/2007)
- A Tribute to the Humble Pear (10/1/2007)
- Short: What is Cake For? (9/1/2007)
- Lana Lang is Dead Not Dead (8/1/2007)
- Weird: What’s it like to be Abnormal? (7/1/2007)
- Short: Is it just me, or are we Fucking Stupid as a Species? (6/1/2007)
- My Eye Has Swollen Up Like a Giant Red Testicle (5/1/2007)
- Weird: The Terrible Screensaver of Justice (4/1/2007)
- Short: Confession / Majority / Groupies (3/1/2007)
- Assuming the Unassumable (2/1/2007)
- The Update-a-Day Experiment (1/1/2007)
“If I’m the death star and your can opener is a proton torpedo, you missed my thermal exhaust port.”
“The latest craze in breakfast cereal.”
“The Final Countdown: a miracle of biblical proportions that not even the ice pick of time (wielded by Sharon Stone) can dilute.”
“If you wish hard enough...and dream long enough...nothing will ever happen.”
“For a number of reasons — none of them particularly sensible — I’ve decided to open the floor and allow voting on the scheme of choice.”
“Who was the only Australian Prime Minister to download his own weight in pornography?”
“Basically eat well, exercise and don’t abuse yourself, so that your stools are nice and soft.”
“The next time you feel like a pie floater, ask yourself: ‘Do I really want this, or am I being commanded to eat it by a bunch of evil alien parasites?’.”
What you see is what you get: A cat doing callisthenics with a bubble bath helmet.”
“If Friday Night Download isn’t the biggest load of monkey semen on TV, I’m a redneck physiotherapist with vestigial limbs.”
“Most superheroes agree they gained their superpowers from ordinary potatoes, or possibly mutant radioactive potatoes.”
“The creepy crawly monster creeps under the blankets and deposits its eggs into your bladder.”
“Pushing through that takes discipline and commitment.”
“Contrary to popular belief, cymbals have no lungs (or any internal organs), vocal cords or lips, and so cannot form sounds that human beings understand.”
“I should slam it in the door you’re being such a dick.”
“Anything with knives is risky and adrenalising.”
“People who say that decorating a ute with Bundy stickers is easy and clichéd and immature should just shut the hell up. It’s poetry in sticker form.”
“If you’re my evil twin, shouldn’t you be called ‘Evilicus’ or something?”
“If you’re not paying for it, you’re probably getting a substandard service.”
“That’s still solid golf, I’d pay good money for that if it came out in book form.”
“Did not Jesus say unto his disciples: ‘Hey fatties! Eat some bread and fish instead of all that cake and ice-cream’?”
“Maybe it’s my nemesis, my Greek god, my morning-after-chilli poo.”
“Because all your friends secretly believe you’re a useless sack of paranoid fish shit, to them you can’t possibly have achieved something they could not.”
“Why is your turtle looking at me? Why are my hands massaging your globule?”
“I always take them out to dinner first.”
“Comparing Baudelaire with Bo Brady is a little comparing a porn star with the camera that is filming her being violated.”
“Believe in nothing and you’re safe from salvation and damnation.”
“I wonder how much McDonalds pays its marketing consultants to think up this kind of stuff?”
“No matter how right it feels to tuck that notebook into your briefcase at lunchtime when everyone else has gone out for schnitzels and lemon, lime and bitters, you know it’s wrong.”
“If all the carrot tops of the world united, they could throw everyone back into the ocean.”
“Wonderful with a sticky white or any other juice from a pungent insect.”
“Eva never catches the elevator above the 33rd floor.”
“The main point is that his dad thought he was useless.”
“If a woman has sex with a ghost and the ghost jizzes everywhere, what happens to the jizz?”
“I think it’s because the fifty sits rights in the middle of being useful.”
“One example of irony: Thinking about erectile dysfunction as an aid to masturbation.”
“A poor blonde rich girl sat beneath it all in communion with her new found god.”
“Deus ex vino. If God is in the wine, then let’s all sharpen our foreskins and order reef and beef at our local restaurant which has no wine.”
“All her songs sound like demonic attempts to control my actions.”
“Everywhere I go, scumdicks cut in front of me as if I’m not even there.”
“Fortunately for everyone on Earth, Holloway’s torpedo missed Saturn and crashed here.”
“The armies of invisibility are evolving and mutating.”
“Hey, I’m not going to steal from you anymore.”
“I was in a Kentucky Fried Chicken shop, and they don’t have chickens to sell?”
“I hate anuses who talk about ‘recharging the batteries’ like time off from work makes you more inclined to go back to work.”
“I wonder what she’s even doing now, other than emptying the hamper.”
“Each episode ends when a final theory appears that fixes the patient, even though by then the patient has had her head amputated or something.”
“Opportunity brings you to the door and then blows you away from the other side with a double-barrel orgasm.”
“He loves to watch. No other conclusion really makes sense.”
“After the Will Hunting movie I thought Robin Williams would have pulled up stumps and gone sailing in his little boat looking for a new wife.”
“That tongue is like a cat’s it’s so abrasive.”
“You’re the one who’s been holding me back all this time.”
“None of your friends are very funny or intelligent.”
“...then he popped a whole heap of amphetamines to give himself inhuman strength.”
“I dreamt I was Sinead O’Connor, laid out naked on a Celtic sacrificial altar.”
“Jennifer Lopez is hovering above me in a chartreuse-flavoured frock.”
“This is what happens when you eat your sister's brain.”
“Siamese twins are fairly important, but chicken curry tastes so good.”
“I haven’t seen the movie Blood Diamond and I probably won’t.”
“I’m glad I didn’t see Moulin Rouge at the cinema.”
“What’s your cat’s name, little girl?”
“Radcliffe ‘outrage’ all smoke and mirrors.”
“We look for ‘Coles’ stations. The Coles brand has effectively consumed the Shell brand for me.”
“Some people say ‘don’t eat salmon’.”
I asked myself, “What would Gwen Stefani do if she were still cognisant today?” She would Bend Harder, so that’s what I’ve done.
“I’d like to dream of cartoon carrots tonight, not the stolen car intrigue from last night, thanks.”
“He was great (his name says so) but he couldn’t even play croquet or hotwire a car.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.”
“Half-hags love to make haggis, which is really just a dump with trimmings.”
“What the fuck is a mollusc?”
“Using up a wish is murder.”
“Now, people covered in scabs are often treated like second-class citizens.”
“Hidden in the alphabet is the name of its creator, Jay Leno.”
“You guys are funnier than a deserted island filled with 312 clowns who are all dead.”
“I’ve just had the greatest idea for the next Steven Seagal blockbuster movie.”
“We will take the piss out of anything, including piss itself.”
“The Olympic Walk has to be the stupidest event ever.”
“If I’m a quadriplegic and want to die, will you help me? Who will change my little blue shorts?.”
“I used to be like you, long ago: happy and carefree.”
“I can't believe that we live in a world where the hired help can sue the rich and powerful and win US$350 in medical expenses.”
“Catching rotavirus by proxy is less fun than being the only gay man at a KKK recruitment farm.”
“I just came across your website. I'm not a fan of you or your work.”
“Bubbly-bot was the first slave, way back in Biblical times.”
“The evil David Hasslehoff character in Knight Rider was based on Caligula.”
“Choosing a holiday: How do you get something for the right price that doesn’t involve whoring yourself to eat when you get there?”
“Someone once thought about accusing me of over-analysing everything.”
“Maybe I’d simply left some rotting shellfish and a batch of cockroach sputum in my coffee cup, and that’s why it tasted so bad.”
“Who says I need ideas? There’s something in my brain that transmits all my ideas to the idea filtration centre, which is near Barmera and looks like a big winery.”
“So like human flesh in its juiciness and sweetness, and so much easier to obtain.”
“What is cake for?”
“Every time something major happens on Smallville, something else reverses it.”
“If you got too close she’d suck you in to her emptiness and you’d never escape.”
“They immediately started trying to develop a drug to mimic the effects.”
“So if I have no reason to be stressed, why has my eye swollen up? Psychologists refer to it as ‘le Blanc syndrome’”
“When you see that flash of colour and shoot it for being too fast or too similar in appearance to Dame Edna, you will still score 100/100 on your gun licence test.”
“I overheard something I shouldn’t have.”
“Casting aside all assumptions, I will wish you no ‘happy new year’ or any other date-related propaganda.”
“The lesson is this: generating your own zombie army is not as easy as some make it out to be.”