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Previous thoughts for the day
What do a brass band and a necrotising mutant strain of flu have in common?
(22/12/2004)
And God spoke to me through the bush and said: “Please clean the toilet.”
(20/12/2004)
Sometimes snot is so sticky you can’t flick it off your fingers. Wiping it on the carpet is the only option.
(16/12/2004)
And God said unto them: “From this day forth, you will be Dentists, and you will terrorise mankind with your necessary but painful skills.” And they did, it was good.
(15/12/2004)
Let’s not eat around the yolk.
(11/12/2004)
Today the activity board is bored.
(9/12/2004)
If we could gather all the nasal hair of the human population, we could weave it into the strongest rope in the world.
(8/12/2004)
Everyone holds grudges. Some people just don’t act on them.
(6/12/2004)
It’s hard to think and talk at the same time. Maybe that’s why so many people say such fucking stupid things.
(3/12/2004)
People have stopped tapping their feet to organ music.
(1/12/2004)
These days, impatience is enough to take you out of the gene poo pool.
(1/12/2004)
Waiting for holidays is like waiting to die: you can’t wait for it to happen, but when it comes around its not as good as you imagined.
(27/11/2004)
A day worth remembering is a day worth exaggerating.
(24/11/2004)
If you never get the girl, it must mean you’re the bad guy in this movie, or at best the comic relief.
(22/11/2004)
If there’s any life after death I’ll be very surprised, and disappointed. It would mean I’m wrong and I hate that.
(21/11/2004)
Blow me like the wind. Love me like a triceratops.
(18/11/2004)
Rap is spent, it’s bent, forgot to pay the rent.
(17/11/2004)
Ancient Chinese proverb: What is the smell of one man farting?
(15/11/2004)
Nasal hair must win the “most amazing hair on the body” award. It’s stronger than steel of the same thickness.
(13/11/2004)
Being nice to people only encourages them to take advantage of you.
(11/11/2004)
I stink, therefore I am.
(10/11/2004)
The grass is always greener, except when the neighbours have concreted everything.
(8/11/2004)
Take a pinch of salt with you to bed to help keep the slugs away.
(6/11/2004)
Garlic flavoured edible condoms should be free for everyone!
(2/11/2004)
It’s fine to sniff petrol fumes when you’re filling up your car. It’s only if you do it at other times that you know you’ve got a problem.
(1/11/2004)
All the ordinary man can do is dream about one day coming into a position of power so he can abuse it.
(30/10/2004)
The only thing weirder than an artist on drugs is an artist who wants to be on drugs.
(28/10/2004)
We never have enough, do we? Is that a rhetorical question? Is that?
(27/10/2004)
Someone should get into a gunfight with Eros and kill that fucker. Bow and arrow is no match for the superior technology of the modern age.
(25/10/2004)
I’m reading my gravestone out aloud as a bedtime story.
(23/10/2004)
That will stop them — inflating the punishment. Criminals always consider the consequences before they commit the crime.
(21/10/2004)
If you’re in a horror movie and there’s something dripping from the ceiling to the floor, look up before you investigate the floor.
(20/10/2004)
Always leave the house in clean underwear, because the first thing people do when you die is check to see if your undies smell.
(19/10/2004)
Farts are like earthquakes. After a major one, there are often smaller aftershocks.
(18/10/2004)
Why do they have Braille on car park ticket vending machines?
(15/10/2004)
Nothing’s ever as good as in the movies.
(14/10/2004)
The end is perhaps upon us, but it’s plain vanilla and not at all exciting.
(13/10/2004)
Everything’s so hard...especially the ground.
(12/10/2004)
Try my new frog flavoured cologne.
(11/10/2004)
The food supply is invading the weevils.
(10/10/2004)
There aren’t enough smocks worn anymore.
(8/10/2004)
If you’re a bacterium, there’s nothing like warm moist fat rolls in which to undergo cell division.
(7/10/2004)
You can run, but there’s no way out of the microwave.
(6/10/2004)
You only need to make a fatal mistake once.
(5/10/2004)
No one wants to put up with reality for any longer than they have to.
(4/10/2004)
To be environmentally friendly, you should only use one tissue when you cum.
(3/10/2004)
Terrible but is the Lord, and a rain of pestilence and filth will be rained upon thee, and a wad of pubes will be lodged in your teeth, so all can frown upon your pubic smile. And those pubes shall not be your own, but from the old lady next door.
(1/10/2004)
There’s a fine line between prostitution and the day job.
(30/9/2004)
Parody everyone, especially your idols.
(29/9/2004)
There is no better used car salesman than God.
(28/9/2004)
Imagine if we could reuse pubes as an energy source. Save the forests and reduce pollution with pube power!
(27/9/2004)
You’re heterosexual? That’s so gay.
(26/9/2004)
Why are superheroes always weedy dudes in their day jobs?
(25/9/2004)
The swing is moving, but the park is deserted.
(23/9/2004)
If ants weren’t so cool, we’d eat them all, then kill them.
(22/9/2004)
Have you ever wondered why a fertilised egg is the chosen form of reproduction for almost all high forms of life, rather than, say...a growth in the brain that explodes when the young are mature, killing the parent but releasing the offspring? Neither have I.
(21/9/2004)
Haemorrhoids: pimples for adults.
(20/9/2004)
Think for yourself.
(Inaugural)
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