ADELAIDE HILLS DERBY PREVIEW - Hahndorf & Stirling Player Pictorials
'The Pie' June 2005
HAHNDORF SC– The Magpies
GOALKEEPER
Finch Cowlam: Named after a small bird, Cowlam has spent more seasons playing for the Magpies than your mother has made hot dinners. Rather suspect on the cross-ball, struggles with reflexes and isn’t much good on the deck. On the positive side, he usually gets one hand on a penalty kick … provided it’s hit straight at him.
DEFENDERS
Todd Newman: Dreadful first touch and if that doesn’t let him down, he keeps his reputation intact with sliced clearances and defensive gaffs. Likes to prepare on match day by being stripped and ready by 10am. He then paces around or bangs his head against a wall … or a combination of both.
Ashley Parr: His strength lies in the air and he’s a brilliant tackler but, upon winning the ball, he likes to meander down the touchline before blasting the thing as hard as he can … anywhere. He therefore tends to rather cheaply return possession to the opponent as if to say ‘Have another go’. They usually do. And score from it.
Stuart Thomas: Bustling defender who likes to wear the tightest shorts in the kitbag, (if he can get to them before Brendan Kilpatrick), Thomas is a “utility” player … they use him when there’s absolutely no one else available. Sports the Bon Jovi hairstyle and there’s a Mullet in there desperate to get out.
Nick Briggs: Former Stirling great who latterly couldn’t get a game at the Bradwood Club. Briggs adds weight to the Hahndorf midfield – about 120kgs of it, in fact – and uses brute strength to compensate for brutal ball skills.
MIDFIELDERS
Todd Avery: Together with Aaron Amos, Avery beautifies the midfield. At least if that area of the park is being over-run, it still smells nice and is attractive to look at.
Aaron Amos: Another pretty boy of the Magpie side, Amos has it all. Athleticism, good looks, leadership qualities and his own teeth. In his capacity as Captain, Hahndorf are a finely tuned instrument … they just don’t have any sheet music.
Brendan Kilpatrick: The “unacceptable face of Australian soccer”, Kilpatrick lowers the midfield prettiness mentioned above by a few points but he’s a humble man and doesn’t let it affect him. He works tirelessly so that Club might advance but just doesn’t realise how much no one cares. (No relation to Oysters).
Owen Boyce: Part time model. Yes, it’s true ladies. The fact that he has only been involved in campaigns for hand jewellery and footwear (and therefore his face is never shown) is purely coincidental. As a result of this profession, he is also the only player on Hahndorf’s books to have an agent. Recently fathered a child – Dylan.
Griff Kettle: Yes, it is his real name. Rumored to streak his hair with flecks of grey to achieve the erudite ‘distinguished look’. Don’t be fooled, this player is an animal. Kettle is an industrious midfield maestro who likes to let his team-mates know exactly where they’re going wrong and what the easier option would have been and what he would have done and exactly what you are, for trying it in the first place. (No relation to Boiling Hot)
Marcus Pett: Jovial player who enjoys a chuckle at opponents abilities … as long as his own inabilities aren’t exposed. Holds the distinctly proud record of being the only player in the League who has scored against BOSA this season. The fact that they scored 6 more than Hahndorf did is incidental.
Dimitri Peppas: Has spent most of the season telling every one how good he is but hasn’t been able to illustrate this yet as he has spent 2005 injured and suspended. He has, however, managed to appear for the Reserves and the Super ‘C’s.
FORWARDS
Alex Perez: Every club worth it’s salt in the South Australian Amateur League has to have a South American on the books. When they play in Australia, it’s usually because they’ve failed in other continents. Also ‘involved’ in the town’s German Arms Hotel so don’t be surprised if asks to check your ID even if you’re nowhere near the pub – he says it gives him a “nice feeling”.
Matt Norris: Newly re-signed by the Magpies, Norris has made a name for himself by picking on players that are larger than him. What he lacks in ability, he makes up for in enthusiasm. Norris likes to slow the game down with his pace. (No relation to Chuck).
COACHING STAFF
Peter Allen: Veteran of the Hahndorf set up and has been an institution at the club since it formed. Prior to this, Allen has been involved in ‘Football’ for many years and actually scored the winner for Blackburn Olympic in the 1883 FA Cup Final. (No relation to … er … Peter Allen)
Bob MacIntyre: In his youth, MacIntyre was on the books at Everton … mostly for petty theft. Also played in a skiffle band with five friends at school; John, Paul, George, Stu and Richard. Lists Wayne Rooney as his favorite player and admits to having been a huge Nolan Sisters fan.
STIRLING DISTRICT - The Aces (Buckley’s Babes)
GOALKEEPER
Matt Wilde: ‘Stopper’ who enjoyed a brief spell at Hahndorf a few seasons ago when regular Magpie custodian, Finch Cowlam, was injured. Being second choice to Cowlam wasn’t good enough though and Wilde moved on to pastures greener at Stirling where he managed to claim the Number 1 jersey ahead of … well … er … no one. (No relation to Kim)
DEFENDERS
Simon Dawe: Quiet and unassuming – a bit like Fred West. He seems nice enough but is easily upset and can turn mental at the drop of a hat and, as a result, he has had more bookings than Frank Sinatra - including a few without being on the pitch.
Scott Sillence: Over-weight and over-rated but this has never deterred the Englishman. Has been feigning injury of late in order to avoid training and tougher games but should be back for the ties with Sturt and Hahndorf. Due to be injured again in time for BOSA, Cove and St Peter’s games though.
Chris Rolling: Looks about 12 but don’t be deceived, he is at least 16. Rolling’s signing on fee was a bag of mixed lollies offered by Hodgskin and Buckley outside a changing room at an undisclosed location.
Rob Walczynski: Gangling, awkward looking player whose main weakness is definitely his pace – he’s dreadfully slow. Still, the coaches love him so his spot’s assured.
Matt Hawthorn: “Lock up yer daughters, Hawker’s around”. Unfortunately, that cry was last heard in 1986 and the years haven’t been kind. The only piece of real talent in the Stirling defence.
MIDFIELDERS
Terry Hayes: Was the best player in a considerably bad Murray Bridge United side and is now the worst player in a reasonably good Stirling side. Always looks tired and out of place but still gets a run because he’s the only player they have left to pick after the regulars have been given their roles.
Charles Holding: Well known player who needs no introduction - a fast, talented, skilful, versatile player - it’s just the off-the-ball head-butts you have to look out for. Holding has won the Rossi Medal for Division 1’s ‘Best and Fairest’ thereby proving he is every bit as good as the likes of Hahndorf’s Tony Carter. According to Stirling’s coaching staff, Holding returned to Stirling because he couldn’t hack it in the State League. Seems harsh but it’s just an opinion.
Rick Piotrowski: This poor chap must have a complex about his status as he is perennially referred to as ‘ex-Federation this’ and ‘ex-Federation that’. It’s almost as if the media is trying to justify the reason why he is useless now by implying he was useful in the past. Somehow managed to bypass coach Buckley’s policy of only fielding personnel under 35.
Damon Van Der Shuite: Did all the pre-season with Hahndorf and actually played well in a few of the trial matches at Pine Avenue before being persuaded by the Stirling coaching staff that he’d be much better off playing ‘B’ Grade than ‘A’ Grade. Amazingly, Damon thought that sounded great and now gets a regular run in the Stirling ‘B’ Grade before appearing for the last 15 minutes every week for Stirling’s ‘A’ Grade side. He should appear for Stirling’s ‘A’ Grade this Saturday at his usual time of 4:25pm.
Gary Thwaites: Another valuable asset to the Stirling squad after he was press ganged into the Bradwood Park club. Strength is his pace. Weakness is his looks.
Ben Trainor: Vastly improved player whose ability to find space and turn defenders inside out is hampered only by his inability to do it with the ball.
Tom Barnhurst: Watch out for Barnhurst’s unique goal celebration. He likes to dance in front of opposing players yelling abuse and giving them the ‘bird’ regardless of whether they are the same player that wound him up earlier in the game or not.
FORWARDS
Andrew Kokot: Imaginatively nick-named ‘Koko’ by his team-mates. Can score when it looks most unlikely and the odds are stacked against him. He sometimes carries this through the Friday night into Saturday’s game. Tends to only play for clubs that look like they will win a trophy … could be his last year at Stirling then?
Phil Yeardley: A quiet achiever, unless you get talking to him. It is only then that you realise how good a player he is. Phil likes to unsettle opposing ‘keepers by peppering shots at the advertising boards on either side of the goal frame as well as the netting above the bar. Yeardley lists Peter Buckley as his all-time favorite coach.
COACHING STAFF
Peter Buckley: Former coach at the Hills Hawks where he won absolutely nothing. He then pestered the Stirling committee for a shot at the Amateur League and was elected head coach in 2002. “Welcome to the Amateur League” he famously said when his charges were forced to change outside the clubrooms in an early away game in charge … obviously forgetting that the club he had come from had little more than a dunny as the main facility. Buckley lists Phil Yeardley as his all-time favorite player.
Chris Hodgskin: Needs no introduction to the ‘Hahndorf Massive’ and is a ‘Life Member’ at the Pine Avenue Club. Crossed the great divide in 2004 because Hahndorf weren’t good enough for him, Hodgskin claims not to be a “player-poacher” so there must be another reason why he hangs around player changing rooms, post-match, at various clubs including the Hills Hawks and Hahndorf. Makes the tea for Buckley using ingredients that he sent Gallagher out for.
John Gallagher: Never uses a sentence when a word will do and never uses a striker when a defender is sufficient. Not a great tactician but neither was Sir Ian Hamilton and he still made a name for himself. Buys the ingredients for Hodgskin to make the tea for Buckley.