Weirds
“The latest craze in breakfast cereal.”
“Who was the only Australian Prime Minister to download his own weight in pornography?”
What you see is what you get: A cat doing callisthenics with a bubble bath helmet.”
“The creepy crawly monster creeps under the blankets and deposits its eggs into your bladder.”
“I should slam it in the door you’re being such a dick.”
“If you’re my evil twin, shouldn’t you be called ‘Evilicus’ or something?”
“Did not Jesus say unto his disciples: ‘Hey fatties! Eat some bread and fish instead of all that cake and ice-cream’?”
“Why is your turtle looking at me? Why are my hands massaging your globule?”
“Believe in nothing and you’re safe from salvation and damnation.”
“Wonderful with a sticky white or any other juice from a pungent insect.”
“If a woman has sex with a ghost and the ghost jizzes everywhere, what happens to the jizz?”
“Deus ex vino. If God is in the wine, then let’s all sharpen our foreskins and order reef and beef at our local restaurant which has no wine.”
“The armies of invisibility are evolving and mutating.”
“I hate anuses who talk about ‘recharging the batteries’ like time off from work makes you more inclined to go back to work.”
“Opportunity brings you to the door and then blows you away from the other side with a double-barrel orgasm.”
“That tongue is like a cat’s it’s so abrasive.”
“...then he popped a whole heap of amphetamines to give himself inhuman strength.”
“This is what happens when you eat your sister's brain.”
“I’m glad I didn’t see Moulin Rouge at the cinema.”
“I’d like to dream of cartoon carrots tonight, not the stolen car intrigue from last night, thanks.”
“What the fuck is a mollusc?”
“You guys are funnier than a deserted island filled with 312 clowns who are all dead.”
“If I’m a quadriplegic and want to die, will you help me? Who will change my little blue shorts?.”
“Catching rotavirus by proxy is less fun than being the only gay man at a KKK recruitment farm.”
“Choosing a holiday: How do you get something for the right price that doesn’t involve whoring yourself to eat when you get there?”
“Who says I need ideas? There’s something in my brain that transmits all my ideas to the idea filtration centre, which is near Barmera and looks like a big winery.”
“If you got too close she’d suck you in to her emptiness and you’d never escape.”
“When you see that flash of colour and shoot it for being too fast or too similar in appearance to Dame Edna, you will still score 100/100 on your gun licence test.”