The Shorts
“If you wish hard enough...and dream long enough...nothing will ever happen.”
“Basically eat well, exercise and don’t abuse yourself, so that your stools are nice and soft.”
“If Friday Night Download isn’t the biggest load of monkey semen on TV, I’m a redneck physiotherapist with vestigial limbs.”
“Pushing through that takes discipline and commitment.”
“Anything with knives is risky and adrenalising.”
“If you’re not paying for it, you’re probably getting a substandard service.”
“Maybe it’s my nemesis, my Greek god, my morning-after-chilli poo.”
“I always take them out to dinner first.”
“I wonder how much McDonalds pays its marketing consultants to think up this kind of stuff?”
“If all the carrot tops of the world united, they could throw everyone back into the ocean.”
“The main point is that his dad thought he was useless.”
“One example of irony: Thinking about erectile dysfunction as an aid to masturbation.”
“Everywhere I go, scumdicks cut in front of me as if I’m not even there.”
“Hey, I’m not going to steal from you anymore.”
“I wonder what she’s even doing now, other than emptying the hamper.”
“He loves to watch. No other conclusion really makes sense.”
“You’re the one who’s been holding me back all this time.”
“I dreamt I was Sinead O’Connor, laid out naked on a Celtic sacrificial altar.”
“Siamese twins are fairly important, but chicken curry tastes so good.”
“What’s your cat’s name, little girl?”
“Some people say ‘don’t eat salmon’.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.”
“Using up a wish is murder.”
“Hidden in the alphabet is the name of its creator, Jay Leno.”
“We will take the piss out of anything, including piss itself.”
“I used to be like you, long ago: happy and carefree.”
“Bubbly-bot was the first slave, way back in Biblical times.”
“Someone once thought about accusing me of over-analysing everything.”
“What is cake for?”
“They immediately started trying to develop a drug to mimic the effects.”
“I overheard something I shouldn’t have.”