Previous Thoughts of the Day

  • If life originated on Mars I’ll shave my balls bald and make them dance like the puppets in a Punch and Judy show. (21/12/2007)
  • One man’s bent is another man’s 9am appointment. (10/12/2007)
  • Large nuts bag the most squirrels. (17/11/2007)
  • Spiderman’s most powerful and feared enemy is Spidermangina (also known as SMG) (4/11/2007)
  • All candidates are candy dates. (24/10/2007)
  • Paying lip service to George Michael is just as much fun as it sounds. (7/10/2007)
  • Give us this day your daily head. (23/9/2007)
  • The nearest emergency exit is located in the back of your head, near the brain stem. (11/9/2007)
  • The meek shall inherit the Earth...after they’ve been pounded into the dirt. (19/8/2007)
  • Never pick on homosexual supervillains, because they will fuck your shit up. (15/8/2007)
  • Why, when a French person tells a joke, is the punchline always, “And he put his beret in the DVD player”? (5/8/2007)
  • Apparently writing snippets of lyrics from your favourite songs isn’t an appropriate way to invent thoughts for the day. (22/7/2007)
  • Billy Jean is not my brother
    He’s just the boy who
    Says that I shouldn’t come
    I shouldn’t come in Billy’s bum.
    (15/7/2007)
  • If you need a “corporate ethos”, you’re already evil. (28/6/2007)
  • Stalking defenceless human females: it’s the only holiday activity you’ll ever need on Earth. (18/6/2007)
  • “Cork snot” is not what you think it is. (4/6/2007)
  • Wanted: SWDE. Single White Demonic Entity seeks same for fun times and debauchery. No pets (possessed humans OK). (27/5/2007)
  • If there’s one thing I want to do before I die, it’s to live through a great flood, and watch Goran Ivanisevic float past my house on his back. (14/5/2007)
  • Good things come to those who eat grasshoppers, cockroaches and other miscellaneous insects. (10/5/2007)
  • Some things should never be rushed, and having a turd is one of those things. (26/4/2007)
  • No matter what anyone tells you, going out and eating a jar full of grasshoppers is never the answer to your problems. (19/4/2007)
  • People know more than they should and less than they think. (9/4/2007)
  • Chop, chop! Axeman is to the rescue. His motto is “if you can’t chop it, it can’t be fixed”, or something like that. Axeman is a crazy fucker anyway—don’t pay any attention to him. (26/3/2007)
  • Do people ever actually buy products solely to enter the promotional competition? (10/3/2007)
  • Lemmings make the best lemonade. (25/2/2007)
  • Keep your haemorrhoid cream with your porn; all publicly shaming paraphernalia should be in one place. It makes the job of the muckrakers easier. (18/2/2007)
  • Wretched are the diamond a dozen. (7/2/2007)
  • I wrote an intelligence test and then failed it. (30/1/2007)
  • The dinosaurs looked up at a bigger moon. (25/1/2007)
  • Don’t be afraid to put all your eggs in one basket...if that person’s got a really nice basket. (22/1/2007)
  • The mask of the saboteur is always a golden smile. (20/1/2007)
  • You’re passing the test with flying odours. (17/1/2007)
  • The phoenix was a bird that died and burst forth renewed out of a fiery curry. It had rice wings and soft chilli bones. (15/1/2007)
  • Callisthenics for the colon: clench that sphincter and release, a dozen times a day. (12/1/2007)
  • Black guys are stereotypically cool, so it must be hard if you’re a black guy and uncool. You’d stand out like a drug dealing grandma or a non-paedophilic Catholic priest. (10/1/2007)
  • Old songs are better if you grew up listening to them. (8/1/2007)
  • Pity the scientists who invent a cheap way of creating artificial diamond. They’ll have miners and jewellers and secret government agencies trying to shut them down before they can say “patent”. (6/1/2007)
  • It’s wrong to get off on helping hypochondriacs feel worse about themselves. (5/1/2007)
  • Why do we wash our hands after taking a shit if they’re already dirty with the sins of our fathers? (3/1/2007)
  • Rules should apply to everyone or no one. As soon as you distinguish between people and give different rules for each, you encourage a bunch of ‘isms’ like racism, ageism and organism. (2/1/2007)
  • They say there’s an unclothed devil beneath every set of clothes, a raging stag just waiting to be set free. (1/1/2007)