Three Things to Remember Before you Willingly Donate your Bladder to Science

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1. The Armies of Invisibility

The armies of invisibility are evolving and mutating. They’re coming after you and they’re coming after me, faster than the average human can piss. There is a powerful hand behind them, doling out sunglasses like they weren’t even invisible. Millions of people are milling around providing work and faeces and sucking down the sterile air. The A of I is coming for you, and they’ll suck you down too.

2. The Stars Will Fall into Paint Buckets

What do a catamaran and a pathetic marine have in common? One’s a latrine, a big one, and the other rhymes with excretion.

The end of the universe is always nigh. I need a concrete completion date ahead of the stars falling into paint buckets.

Split a tidy lemon for a sour sucker, screw up your face and press it into your arsehole. It’s easy to see who won, but who do you think the kids prefer?

It feels like I’ve been living forever because my memory’s not big enough to store everything I’ve ever done.

3. I Wanted to Tuck Myself

I wanted to tuck myself into bed but by then I’d turned the light off and forgot to bring a torch so I cried into my bladder until it burst some time during the night.

My primary school teacher—who I’ve kept chained to the end of my bed since she failed me for not passing Shoewiping 101—pissed herself laughing.

But she is quite old now and incontinence at that age is always a problem.