Remnants of the Weekly Suck

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Preaching peachy

You’re no funnier than a riotous comedy.

At least, that’s what my grandmother said, but she always was too nice to people. All that time in church, I suppose, getting Christian values preached at her.

It was Christian values that stopped her from poisoning my grandpa when she really wanted to, and look what came of that: he planted a new fennel bush for her on her 70th birthday.

How quaint.

Driver in the bin

When was the last time that you smelt a taxi driver? They drive around all day with erections going up and down, so they sweat. They sweat beyond belief, so is it any wonder how they smell?

Once it’s broken it goes in the bin. Once it’s in the bin, it’s gone. We don’t get things out of the bin, because we’re not bin scabs.

I saw an umbrella in the bin one day and it looked brand new, but I didn’t take it because it was in the bin. And we don’t take things out of the bin and we don’t repeat ourselves either.

Creepy Crawly

There's a creepy crawly monster, creeping its way into your room.

It has smells under its arms and little gills that it breathes its poxy smells through. It has fungus to seed under your eyelids while you sleep dreaming of pox.

It creepy-creep-creeps under the blankets and deposits its eggs into your bladder. It has small tubes covered in filth that it inserts into your wee wee hole and you get sick.

It makes cancer grow in your shoes so your toes turn black and fall off. That's the creepy crawly monster, under your bed slinking back into your Uncle's room...