Cockroach Souffle, Rent-a-boy, and Other Stories
Cockroach Soufflé
Ingredients:
Method:
Wonderful with a sticky white or any other juice from a pungent insect.
Rent-a-boy
If you rent me, I’ll make it worth your while. My skill set is broader than a town on two sides of a river. I can make any bird sing, and I can turn any bird into roast chicken. Renting me comes with a money back guarantee, and I now have credit card facilities. If you call within the next fifteen minutes, you automatically go into the draw to win one of eight different G-strings.
Rent-a-boy: delivering assassins and pleasure boys to your door for over one hundred years.
Grind Me Up Into Pieces
Don’t you want to grind me up into little pieces and bake them in a pie and eat them and then poo them out and craft a human-shaped body that looks like me out of the poo?
I know I want to do it to you.
It’s Good to Have a Hero
Heroes are like opium—always there when you need it.
My hero is a guy called “Legless Pete”. At least, he used to be my hero, until he lost his legs.
Pete stole biscuits from lunch rooms and church fêtes all around town, then he’d bring them back to us, crunch them up and help us snort them.
Pete was good like that. My hero.
I’m Out Experiencing the World
While you guys sit around trying to convince each other that you know why Custard’s Music is Crap really is a great song, I’m off experiencing the world through a straw and a cocaine-strewn mirror.
I’m remembering what it’s like to eat people. Cannibalism is coming to me in the form of the Jungian collective unconscious. Eating people is a primordial image, since all our ancestors used to dine out on each other.
They invented the “drive thru” lane in takeaway restaurants.
Parasites in the Colon
Two sympathetic parasites in my colon went to war. The explosive gases they produced—waste products from their little jyhad against each other—meant I could no longer go to parties or pretend at work that it was the guy over in the next cubicle who farted.
So I shoved a coat hanger up there covered with spermicide and Pepto-Bismol. Man, that’s no aircraft hangar. It took a lot of work, but I did it in the end.
By then the original parasites had died, but the war raged on in the form of their legion offspring.
Tips for Living a Long and Unfulfilling Life
Never be willing to gamble.
If you never take a punt, you’ll never lose. You’ll never win either, but at least you can sit back and tell jokes about all the other gamblers (just like Kenny Rogers did in his classic comedy song The Gambler. Everyone looking for a long and unfulfilling wants to be like Kenny Rogers).
Don’t eat refined sugar.
If I were to liken nutrition to medieval warfare, refined sugar would be the diseased whores following along with the baggage train.
Gratuitous is not gratuitous anymore
Gratuitous sex is not as gratuitous as it used to be. A few years ago, gratuitous sex would have got everyone pulling at their collars and crying out for government action to save the innocent minds of our youth and to prevent the pollution of our TV screens with smut.
New everyone realises that youth has never been innocent, and TV has been polluted ever since the inception of advertising.
So it’s a go-go for gratuity, graphic nudity, and noodle maturity. We’re only hours away from the pornography that is real life from making its way onto make-believe bubblegum TV.