Ask the Good Doctor
Self Help for Noogs (part 1)
This is the inaugural “Ask the Good Doctor” column. You can send in any questions you have on any topic, and I will answer them like a doctor, since it is entirely possible that one day I will attain a doctorate from a dodgy internet diploma website.
Q. What should you do when you’ve got lumps and shit all over your helmet? I’ve got these red sores that leak pus and sometimes expand to the size of a marble.
A. I’m going to assume that by “helmet” you mean your polishing stick. Basically your problem comes from sticking your cock in too many holes. You should treat any hole like one of those in the Flash Gordon movie (the woodland challenge thing).
Q. Why does everyone denigrate the memory of Caligula, the greatest Roman Emperor of all? He acted a little crazy, but in an understandable way given that he was the ruler of the KNOWN WORLD.
A. The evil David Hasslehoff character in Knight Rider was based on Caligula. Caligula’s biggest problem was that he never winked enough. A wink can get you out of anything, no matter how crazy. Remember the next time someone catches you masturbating to an episode of Judge Judy—just wink. The person who caught you will laugh and know it was all a joke. You might still want to maim or kill them, depending on how crazy you feel at the time.
Q. I ordered a lemon, lime and bitters over the internet last week, and it hasn’t arrived yet. What should I do?
A. The most important thing is to remain calm. If you can’t remain calm, clam up and panic. You have been a victim of the internet scam known as the “Lemon, Lime and Bitters Barman”. Contrary to everyone else’s belief, it is easy to get caught by an internet scam. It’s not only retards and gullible idiots, so don’t berate yourself. What you need to do is send your bank account details and withdrawal authorisation to me. This is only so that I can confirm your age and identity before I send through the highly secret instructions for how to get a refund on your lemon, lime and bitters.
Q. My boyfriend wants me to have anal sex with him. I’m not sure that I want to. He says that if I really loved him I would do it. I do love him, but I think he’s using that as a way to get some sick sexual gratification. What should I do?
A. Whether or not someone dances the chocolate cha-cha is a highly personal choice. However, I’d suggest that if you aren’t willing to prove your love in this way, you should try something else. Inviting your most attractive female friend over for a threesome is always a good option.
Q. What should I do when I come home from work and my partner’s vagina smells like cucumbers? —Confused Carrot
A. Other than the issue that the first thing you do when you get home is smell your partner’s vagina, this is nothing to worry about. Most likely she has found a way to introduce more fruit and vegetables into her diet, and this is not a bad thing.
If you get home and smell sailors, then you may have something to cause concern. If you discover your partner in bed with a goat and an international Iranian soccer player, you may need to get professional counselling. But only if there is a goat or if the Iranian footballer has not waxed “down there”.