What KFC Doesn't Have

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I went into my local KFC the other night and asked to buy a chicken.

The ESL dude behind the counter, after misunderstanding the request and requiring several rephrased requests, responded with: “We don’t sell chickens”.

I was in a Kentucky Fried Chicken shop, and they don’t have chickens to sell?

The problem was I wanted a whole chicken, whereas they only had little chopped up pieces fried in batter so, I imagine, they can disguise the bits of the chicken that no one would normally eat.

Surely wanting to buy a whole chicken is not so unusual. Maybe there was a “whole chicken shortage” in town that day, since I only went to KFC out of desperation after another local chicken shop also had no chickens.

This was at 6 o’clock on the Sunday of a long weekend—not peak chicken buyin’ time, but still not outside the realm of expectation for a chicken shop to have a chicken to sell. (The other shop’s name implied they sold not only chickens but other things as well. I suggest they should be called Not Even Chickens. Update: I have, since the initial incident, called Not Just Chickens again on a Saturday night. Once again—sorry, no chickens.)

What does all this add up to? A local shortage of chickens that points to some larger international chicken conspiracy? While the most likely explanation, I suspect the truth is a little more inorganic: duplicitous “brain chickens” are masterminding the downfall of humanity by removing our supply of the succulent grey meat between the breast and the leg.