The Guessed Biography of Josh Holloway
Undoubtedly, some time in the future a biography of Josh Holloway will be released upon unsuspecting masses in an attempt to leverage on the popularity of his character Sawyer in Lost—a redneck with good Christian values and a penchant for torturing small animals.
As a pre-emptive premonition, I’ve made a prediction as to the contents of Holloway’s biography.
All biographies begin with the birth of the subject[1], and this one will be no different: While orbiting Saturn on a routine survey mission, Holloway was born on the great Venkar starship Pomace Crusher (a literal interpretation from the native Venkar language).
After discovering that their child lacked even a fraction of the mental power required to be considered not retarded, Holloway’s parents shot the young man in a torpedo tube towards Saturn, hoping he would burn up in the atmosphere and rid them of their embarrassing birth.
Fortunately for everyone on Earth, Holloway’s torpedo missed Saturn and crashed here. Starving, the young Holloway found himself in fifteenth century France. By a twist of fate, it happens that humans are a suitable food source for the Venkari, and in fifteenth century France children were plentiful and freely sacrificed to hungry alien visitors.
Using his sophisticated Venkar physiology, Holloway mimicked the DNA of his food and took on human form. (The only thing he never quite mastered were the genitals, hence his androgynous pubic region.)
Holloway ate his way through France and Burgundy, eventually arriving in England in time to become an advisor to King Henry VIII (who gifted Holloway with the bodies of a number of his dead wives).
It is only in recent times that Holloway has turned to acting and stardom, since food is much harder to come by these days, unless you’re a celebrity, in which case certain eccentricities are not only tolerated but demanded.
Footnotes:
[1] Except those rare gems that begin with conception.