Hard to Kilt

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I’ve just had the greatest idea for the next Steven Seagal blockbuster movie (okay, maybe not blockbuster, but I would expect the straight-to-video sales to do well).

Seagal plays a sympathetic member of a racial minority who he doesn’t actually have the appearance of. His best friend (hopefully played by Jeremy “Jeremy’s Iron” Irons) is a traditional Scottish highlander who asks Seagull to be his best man at his wedding. Only later does Irons reveal that it is a traditional Scottish wedding, and all the bridal party will be in kilts.

Seagal balks, not because he won’t wear a skirt, but because one of the colours in the tartan is fuchsia.

“I don’t wear fuchsia” our intrepid hero will declare, followed by five minutes of silence, where Seagal and Irons glare at each other, thus reversing years of friendship and establishing their enmity.

Irons drugs Seagull and has him do the wedding in fuchsia tartan anyway.

When our hero comes to, he finds happy snaps of the big day posted all over the internet. Needless to say, this makes the big guy go into a remorseless kilting frenzy. Everyone involved turns up dead through interesting permutations of kilt-related “accidents”.

When Irons calls in the Scottish mafia, Seagull goes into overdrive with a restraining order and then he corners Irons in an abandoned kilt warehouse built on top of a highlander burial ground, where only those with blood ties to Christopher Lambert can win a duel.

So it needs a bit of work on the details (such as a love interest—I’m thinking a gay Christian bible salesman who always rides a bike with a basket at the front and goes into a coma when he sees his boyfriend on the internet wearing such an unflattering fuchsia kilt). The meat of the storyline is there though.

Can anyone who knows Steven (and sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who doesn’t) send him a link to this article? I’ve got a good feeling about the chances of getting this project off the ground.