Eva Longoria and I
Eva Longoria and I are similar in many ways.
- I’m often short with people, and Eva is always short with everybody.
- Eva likes to wear high heels so that people will think more of her. I like to wear high heels to fulfil perverse cross-dressing sexual fantasies.
- Eva loves to be around people who make her look tall, and I love hobbits and ewoks too.
- Eva never catches the elevator above the 33rd floor, choosing the stairs from that point on, and I never use the elevator at all, since all action movies have people going down in elevators.
- Like her name suggests, Eva Longoria is longer than she is tall. I am also “long”.
- I have always dreamed of reaching for the stars. Eva has always dreamed of reaching the top shelf.
- Eva hates sitting behind anyone at the cinema who is taller than zero. I like to eat sausage rolls.
- Eva has a morbid fear of being pursued by a pack of ravenous hell hounds and being torn limb from tiny limb. I have a ravenous fear of being morbid.
- Eva doesn’t like being handcuffed to king-sized beds, since it makes her look like a child. Likewise, I dislike handcuffing children to beds.
As you can see, Eva Longoria and I are basically the same person, only wrapped up in bodies of vastly different size.