Blood Diamond: The Interpretative Screenplay
I haven’t seen the movie Blood Diamond and I probably won’t, mainly because after Leonardo Dicraprio did Catch Me If You Can and The Aviator—two movies that both involved planes—I decided he was losing his edge.
What I have is a vague recollection of seeing the shorts to Blood Diamond late one night while I was watching TV and flicking channels looking for adult sex lines to call (specifically adult ones, you know, because the youth sex lines aren’t raunchy enough).
Based on those shorts, here is my interpretation of Blood Diamond:
Opening scene: Interior, Leo’s mother’s house (where he still lives)
LEO
Oh, I broke a nail
LEO’S MUM (seated on the couch, whetting a huge machete)
Here, let me see dear
LEO
Mum, you never told me what happened to Dad. What’s a blood diamond?
LEO’S MUM
Where did you hear that word?
LEO
Some kids were talking about it in the playground.
LEO’S MUM
It’s a sex thing dear, something Thai hookers do when they have their period. I’ll tell you about it when you’re older.
LEO
I am 28 years old!
LEO’S MUM
Maybe you should have asked that Blanchett girl when you had the chance.
LEO
I did. She wouldn’t tell me. Why won’t girls ever tell me anything?
LEO’S MUM
I don’t know, dear. Maybe it’s because of that scene you did in the bath in Gilbert Grape.
Enter: Leo’s Dad in an Indiana Jones costume, covered in blood.
LEO’S DAD (collapsing)
Ah, it’s the blood diamond. People will kill for it!
LEO
Dad! You’re back. Where’s the diamond?
LEO’S MUM (slitting the throat of the Dad)
No one will ever show my boy a blood diamond. Never!
(Leo’s Mum turns towards the crew, brandishing knife menacingly)