Assuming the Unassumable

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Apparently it was a “new year” yesterday, a time when people traditionally binge drink, chow down on some fur burger, and update the colour schemes of their websites.

However, I’m not going to assume that it was a new year for you. For all I know you might have never heard of the Gregorian calendar. In fact, if my ISP actually kept statistics on people who viewed this site, I’m sure it would be statistically more likely that any arbitrary reader is performing a Gregorian monk chant than using the Gregorian calendar. But that’s another story, one unsuitable for children or small puppies.

So, casting aside all assumptions, I will wish you no “happy new year” or any other date-related propaganda.

As far as I’m concerned, you are as date independent as a New Zealand shepherd. It could even be your birthday, but I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to assume that. (It could even be your birthplace if you run around the world every year and it takes exactly one year to return to your starting point. So, happy birthplace you weirdo.)

Another thing I’ll no longer assume is that all readers are single white females with military-style haircuts and the propensity to hammer nails into coffins with their teeth. I also won’t assume that you’re lying in the bath surrounded by roman candles. If perched upon your knees you have a laptop, a laptop whose 240V power supply is precariously close to the bathwater and almost certain to electrocute you if it slips in, that’s nothing to do with what I assume about you.

I will however assume you’re a closet homosexual because, you know, isn’t everyone? And you haven’t proved you’re not.