Articles
“If I’m the death star and your can opener is a proton torpedo, you missed my thermal exhaust port.”
“The Final Countdown: a miracle of biblical proportions that not even the ice pick of time (wielded by Sharon Stone) can dilute.”
“For a number of reasons — none of them particularly sensible — I’ve decided to open the floor and allow voting on the scheme of choice.”
“The next time you feel like a pie floater, ask yourself: ‘Do I really want this, or am I being commanded to eat it by a bunch of evil alien parasites?’.”
“Most superheroes agree they gained their superpowers from ordinary potatoes, or possibly mutant radioactive potatoes.”
“Contrary to popular belief, cymbals have no lungs (or any internal organs), vocal cords or lips, and so cannot form sounds that human beings understand.”
“People who say that decorating a ute with Bundy stickers is easy and clichéd and immature should just shut the hell up. It’s poetry in sticker form.”
“That’s still solid golf, I’d pay good money for that if it came out in book form.”
“Because all your friends secretly believe you’re a useless sack of paranoid fish shit, to them you can’t possibly have achieved something they could not.”
“Comparing Baudelaire with Bo Brady is a little comparing a porn star with the camera that is filming her being violated.”
“No matter how right it feels to tuck that notebook into your briefcase at lunchtime when everyone else has gone out for schnitzels and lemon, lime and bitters, you know it’s wrong.”
“Eva never catches the elevator above the 33rd floor.”
“I think it’s because the fifty sits rights in the middle of being useful.”
“A poor blonde rich girl sat beneath it all in communion with her new found god.”
“All her songs sound like demonic attempts to control my actions.”
“Fortunately for everyone on Earth, Holloway’s torpedo missed Saturn and crashed here.”
“I was in a Kentucky Fried Chicken shop, and they don’t have chickens to sell?”
“Each episode ends when a final theory appears that fixes the patient, even though by then the patient has had her head amputated or something.”
“After the Will Hunting movie I thought Robin Williams would have pulled up stumps and gone sailing in his little boat looking for a new wife.”
“None of your friends are very funny or intelligent.”
“Jennifer Lopez is hovering above me in a chartreuse-flavoured frock.”
“I haven’t seen the movie Blood Diamond and I probably won’t.”
“Radcliffe ‘outrage’ all smoke and mirrors.”
“We look for ‘Coles’ stations. The Coles brand has effectively consumed the Shell brand for me.”
I asked myself, “What would Gwen Stefani do if she were still cognisant today?” She would Bend Harder, so that’s what I’ve done.
“He was great (his name says so) but he couldn’t even play croquet or hotwire a car.”
“Half-hags love to make haggis, which is really just a dump with trimmings.”
“Now, people covered in scabs are often treated like second-class citizens.”
“I’ve just had the greatest idea for the next Steven Seagal blockbuster movie.”
“The Olympic Walk has to be the stupidest event ever.”
“I can't believe that we live in a world where the hired help can sue the rich and powerful and win US$350 in medical expenses.”
“I just came across your website. I'm not a fan of you or your work.”
“The evil David Hasslehoff character in Knight Rider was based on Caligula.”
“Maybe I’d simply left some rotting shellfish and a batch of cockroach sputum in my coffee cup, and that’s why it tasted so bad.”
“So like human flesh in its juiciness and sweetness, and so much easier to obtain.”
“Every time something major happens on Smallville, something else reverses it.”
“So if I have no reason to be stressed, why has my eye swollen up? Psychologists refer to it as ‘le Blanc syndrome’”
“Casting aside all assumptions, I will wish you no ‘happy new year’ or any other date-related propaganda.”
“The lesson is this: generating your own zombie army is not as easy as some make it out to be.”