Ever notice how cartoon characters always seem to be the same age? That’s because they’re cartoon, and the cartoonists can draw them to look however old they like.

I’d like to call a moratorium on non-aging cartoon characters, mainly because I like the word ‘moratorium’ and have always wanted to call one.

There is also a less important reason behind the moratorium, and that is to prevent the stagnation of cartoons that continue to bore us with the same plots over and over again. Granted, some non-aging cartoon characters have managed to stay fresh and original despite never aging (the ever entertaining Elmer Fudd comes on my mind).

But do you think Who’s the Boss? would have been canned if Alyssa Milano had stayed as a delightful 13-year-old tomboy forever, or if Tony Danza had stayed delightfully buffed? No, I do not think so.

Therein lies the problem, that the risk of endless bad can outweigh the relatively rare good.

So we must demand that cartoon characters age, grow old and die just like everyone else.

Unfortunately for Elmer Fudd, he is now most likely too old to go hunting, since he is probably blind and suffers from arthritis so bad he wouldn’t even be able to get the first knuckle of his finger around the trigger of his shotgun. Not to mention the incontinence.

On the plus side, his arch-enemy, the original Bugs Bunny, would have died a good 50 years ago (but only after fucking like a rabbit and fathering hundreds of offspring who continue to thwart Elmer, thus completing the circle of life ala the Lion King).

Since cartoons are the only things these days that have any chance of teaching us about real life, they should be as realistic as possible...except for the lack of serious injuries due to being hit by trains or falling off cliffs. That stuff’s still good.