Everybody likes you. You’re just paranoid. That flavour you can taste is nothing to do with where your tongue has been. Leave your guard down.

They only want to be your friends.

The man waving the paper to sign is only trying to help you. The woman waiting for your trust fund authorisation really loves you. No one is as greedy as they seem—it’s only your imagination.

No one is looking at you.

What you think are glares are only other people’s regular faces. No one’s trying to kill you, you’re just accident prone. You don’t smell, other people do. You are good at everything you do, others just don’t appreciate it. When someone spits on you, it’s because they cannot aim, not because they want to spit on you. You’re so likeable that sometimes people have to pretend to dislike you. It’s just a paradox of human behaviour. Don’t worry about it. Girls won’t kiss you because they see you as god-like, and don’t think themselves good enough for you.

You are more elegant than an elegance instructor, and far more enlightened than an astrologer.

Your beauty and wisdom are repugnant to the foreplay-less masses. When it seems like people are being rude to you, it is only because they cannot communicate on your intellectual level. When they tie you up and beat you, it is just their way of transmitting their love.

You are an excellent singer and public speaker.

When they jeer or run away laughing or howling or throw Coke bottles at you—that is only jealousy, or possibly the hysteria that your voice has induced due to its immense power and respectability.