The Cleverest Muffin ever was, of course, triple chocolate. He looked with disdain on the retarded blueberry muffins, calling them the worst muffin insults he knew, which is “you’re bland” and “you’re dry”.

He watched the bulky bran and apple muffins work out at the gym, and called them fruit loops and left rude anonymous messages on their home phones.

Then, when the Cleverest Muffin least expected it, disaster struck.

An eighteen year old girl strode into the shop. “I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I need to be bad,” she said to the shop attendant.

“Well, the bran and apple muffins—”

“No, I mean bad. How about the triple chocolate muffin?”

So the Cleverest Muffin found himself bouncing around on the front seat of the car, where the girl revealed her diabolical plan.

“My boyfriend and I liked to experiment, you see. In order to bring back some memories...” She leaned over the muffin box and looked right at the Cleverest Muffin. “You’re going to go places food was never meant to go.”

The Cleverest Muffin gulped and almost choked on a chocolate chip. How could he get out of this one?

Thinking fast, he scrawled in blood (muffin blood, which is chocolate) on the outside of the packet: “Not for use as a sex aid. May cause vaginal dryness”.

When the car stopped, the girl picked up the box and read the new label. She moaned with dismay. “Well, I suppose I could use a cucumber. Never mind, muffin. It’ll be just as bad to eat you with my mouth.”

So the Cleverest Muffin almost had his life goal (which for a muffin is to be completely eaten all in one sitting) fulfilled. Unfortunately, the girl could only eat half of him.

Meanwhile, the Cleverest Muffin called out insults to the cucumber.