First of all comedy is really hot and butter melts through all the little holes in the top and everyone says, “Wow, look at all that butter melt. That’s great comedy”.

Then you slap down honey on top and everyone is even more impressed...until the butter and honey seeps through the bottom and everyone gets all disgusted and starts wiping their hands on their pants. Then they throw the crumpet in the bin and look around for another one.

And some people never eat crumpets. They don’t want crumpets. They hate it when other people eat crumpets, and honey disgusts them, even when it’s in a jar and not on the crumpet.

Honey makes them think about slow, dripping, sticky sexual encounters and they hate that. If you try and give these people a crumpet, they’ll grunt in disgust and then report you to some crumpet authority, faking crumpet poisoning and how it’s inappropriate to be offering crumpets to people so early in the evening—and what about all the children who will be corrupted by those sick honey-dripping crumpets?

Some people prefer dry wholemeal toast. No matter how hard you beat them over the head with a crumpet, they’ll never eat it.

That’s why comedy is like a crumpet.