Each column has a brief description of what it's about, even though the title is self explanatory and so doesn't really need a description.
The Weekly Suck is a column of whatever weird crap I think up. Topics include: Words auto-stimulating themselves, nothing and re-menstruation. It’s whatever flows from the place between the brain and the wobbly bits. I’ll write it, and you’ll sit back and read it and while you’re distracted I’ll reach through the internet and fondle your nipples. I propose that the Weekly Suck column should have a frequency of weekly. Otherwise, people get confused so let’s make it bi-weekly to save confusion. He he, I said ‘bi’.
In Alfred's own words:
When these boys asked me to write something for their little newspaper, I said, “I’m retired you little bastards, and get off my lawn.” But then I remembered I needed to complain more, so I reluctantly agreed.
They wanted it typed too, little upstarts. Back when I last used a typewriter as a war correspondent in 1946 I don’t remember the letters being in such unhelpful positions. It’s my arthritis you see, interfering with my fingers (when my Alzheimer’s doesn’t make me forget that I have arthritis). Apparently the war ended in 1945, but I didn’t believe that and kept reporting from the frontline until ’48, when the Japanese sent me home on a cargo ship full of cheap toys. I hadn’t typed a word since...until now.
Trials whatever new and unusual drugs she can find and then writes about the experience.