• Today everyone should fellate at least one inflatable device. (18/12/2005)
• It must be better to die unexpectedly so you don’t have time to think about how you’ve wasted your life. (13/12/2005)
• If you’re as funny as a hippopotamus, you’re probably just as dangerous. (9/12/2005)
• Blessed lamb, baked in an oven at sacrificial temperature. (30/11/2005)
• Six hexagons in a row make a brontifex, but the pattern is unstable and usually brings on sedentary amnesia. (24/11/2005)
• Time slides by like an eel. Even if you see it pass you can never catch it. (18/11/2005)
• They would sooner irradiate their whole planet than let anyone else have it. (12/11/2005)
• I’m older than most manila folders. (5/11/2005)
• Today we praise that most phallic of fruits, the banana. (5/11/2005)
• I didn't think the TV show Big Brother could be topped for stupidity, but Australian Princess has done it easily with stupidity to spare. (29/10/2005)
• Clocks no longer run like clockwork. (23/10/2005)
• It ain’t over til the fat lady’s mobile rings. (22/10/2005)
• This is bridled enthusiasm. (11/10/2005)
• There’s no point searching for an honest man. (9/10/2005)
• These days, lack of faith is erotic. (7/10/2005)
• Protect your end zone at all costs. (3/10/2005)
• Does anyone really know how to pronounce “pronunciation”? Maybe it depends which side of the gutter you come from. (23/9/2005)
• You’re spreading your legs a bit thin. (23/9/2005)
• Everyone should lead a murderous rebellion at least once in their lives. (19/9/2005)
• Tax—the governmental lawnmower. (15/9/2005)
• Everyone has the ability to imagine being great, but not the ability to be great. (11/9/2005)
• It’s hard to come up with a word as cool as fjord. (5/9/2005)
• At gay boot camp they have a tight buns competition and try to climb the flagpole at least once a day. (3/9/2005)
• I saw, I conquered, I came. (27/8/2005)
• Getting charged corkage for breast-feeding when out at a café: priceless. (21/8/2005)
• Fame is its own end these days, with crossover guest appearances and shows about the stars’ stupid lives being more important than original entertainment. (13/8/2005)
• The judge might throw the book at you. If she does, have her arrested for assault. (4/8/2005)
• You’ll never get caught with your pants down if your pants are painted on. (1/8/2005)
• Safe sex by the dozen, careful of one poke too many: a baker’s delight. (26/7/2005)
• People forget that old ladies were once hormone driven fuck machines. (24/7/2005)
• The weather is changing like a graffiti artist’s mural. (18/7/2005)
• Ever seen a flock of clay pigeons? (14/7/2005)
• Think first. Ask questions later. (9/7/2005)
• A million boring people make boring copy, but one boring person is unique. (3/7/2005)
• If you find spew on the front doormat, it might be a gift from a friendly visitor, perhaps the Avon lady. They’re notorious drunks. (30/6/2005)
• Drag yourself up the beauty tree hair by hair. When you reach the top, say hello to the later-life medusa for me. (23/6/2005)
• A plastic bag over your arse might catch the shit, but it looks unseemly. (18/6/2005)
• Don’t deny yourself the pleasures of the pun. Go through life like a series of one-liners. (13/6/2005)
• It’s sensational being a meat eater. A human brain cut up into bite sized chunks is just the thing for a host of minor illnesses. (7/6/2005)
• Love is such a television expression, it only exists on tv. (3/6/2005)
• In greed we shall find our salvation. (28/5/2005)
• What better way to learn the workings of someone’s mind than by experimenting with it? (27/5/2005)
• Clear your thought of all minds. (20/5/2005)
• Always refuse to make eye contact with the crowd, or you’ll be drawn in to follow it. (13/5/2005)
• Today you’re a carbon copy of yourself. (9/5/2005)
• You can trust your doctor to not remove your organs for sale on the black market, can’t you? (5/5/2005)
• They say that in fairyland you can’t get a good night’s sleep for fear of losing your anal virginity. (30/4/2005)
• Figgy pudding sounds good in principle, but is way too complicated in practice. (26/4/2005)
• For cheap laughs, nothing beats a baby pissing in someone’s face. (23/4/2005)
• Most people have never been felt up by a chimpanzee wearing a handkerchief. (19/4/2005)
• If in doubt, call the shots like a bingo conductor. (14/4/2005)
• Our prime goal during life: to find a way to get something for nothing. (9/4/2005)
• Impatience is a virtue. (7/4/2005)
• What are you meant to do when a customer says, “Excuse me waiter, there are no bongs on the menu”? (30/3/2005)
• Easter is a triumphant fanfare of mass marketing. We’ve all been convinced that chocolates of all sorts have been given as gifts to people on Easter Sunday for nearly two thousand years. When Jesus rose from the dead, the aluminium foil from all the Easter eggs he handed out polluted local rivers for years. (24/3/2005)
• You can never tell who’s telling the truth, but at least you know that everyone’s against you. (20/3/2005)
• You can’t spell borderline without authority. (16/3/2005)
• Beyond the margin there’s a place of illiteracy. (11/3/2005)
• The past tense is only a pessimistic view of time. (4/3/2005)
• In the future, hair will be considered a throwback to a less evolved humanity. (1/3/2005)
• Playing solo musical chairs, with no seats and no music, is a mind game that only the masterly self-deluded can hope to win. (26/2/2005)
• Ask and you shall get hiccups. (21/2/2005)
• Everyone should empty a bin, and everyone should win the lottery, at least once. (19/2/2005)
• When falling from a plane onto a plain of pogo sticks, there’s no good place to land. (14/2/2005)
• Obsessed with averages, we look at the overall and reject the actual. The average is everything in our lives. (10/2/2005)
• Hold a frame around a blank wall and you have a picture of boredom. (8/2/2005)
• As we become more bogged down in verbal sewage, bucket wearing is more of a necessity. (5/2/2005)
• How close to hearsay is heresy? (3/2/2005)
• Guilt and morality have never been survival traits, and are probably recessive genes. (31/1/2005)
• It’s a terrible curse, to have to think. (26/1/2005)
• Perhaps we live in a turbulent time. Perhaps we’re living in the eye. (24/1/2005)
• Knowledge of all things can be gained on the toilet. (21/1/2005)
• Listening to politicians is like listening to nudists complain about the cold. (12/1/2005)
• Why do they call those little bananas Lady’s Fingers? They’re short and fat, and don’t look like the fingers of any lady I know. (11/1/2005)
• Life is a circle, and you’re in the middle. No matter which way you go, you’ll always run into a wall. (9/1/2005)
• Take the bull by the love handles. (6/1/2005)

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