• Tomorrow they will televise a parade of television sets sent to their destruction in the mouth of a volcano, all for your viewing pleasure. (18/7/2005)
• Now I’m Mister Insanity, the insane superhero who begs to differ. (9/7/2005)
• Influential doctor reveals that casting aspersions on others can be deterimental to your health. (30/6/2005)
• “I’ll sue” has scooped “drop the soap, white bitch” to become the most feared phrase in the language. (13/6/2005)
• Another load of cock smokers have been sending chain letters. (3/6/2005)
• New study concludes seven out of five aircraft deaths are caused by the traveller’s inability to fly. (20/5/2005)
• Eleven French letters were burnt at the stake for containing the wrong message. (30/4/2005)
• I begged the priest not to finger my date, but he didn’t listen and now we’re all infected with holy shit. (9/4/2005)
• No sightings of a proactive gravy train have been made since the peas went to war on the carrots. (30/3/2005)
• We’re under attack from the jubes, an army of licorice and strawberry lollies designed to kill with lockjaw. (20/3/2005)
• Woke up and found a bullet hole in my pillow. (1/3/2005)
• To ensure they’re “really dead”, a Belgian morgue has instituted tickling the bodies as a standard procedure. (26/2/2005)
• More pooners have sent me chain letters, so their names have gone up on the notice board. (21/2/2005)
• A South African diplomat selling drugs to kids in America has had his diplomatic immunity revoked. (10/2/2005)
• Elton John says: “Don’t let your son go down on me”. (3/2/2005)
• A panel of influential cats confirm that being able to lick your arse is not all that it’s cracked up to be. (26/1/2005)
• Two dishes of Chinese take-away for $46 is a rip-off. (16/1/2005)
• Ten pin bowling has been shown to have no affect on curing Lyme disease. (11/1/2005)
• The reworked 2005 website has been released. (6/1/2005)

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