A couple of weeks ago I had the most bizarre and pointless attempted theft experience ever.

I was running down to the mailbox to post some letters before the 6:00pm cut off. When I got there I realised I’d dropped one of the letters, so I ran back to get it.

In that time, two guys had pulled up in their car, saw me drop the letter had broken the seal, rifled through the contents and discarded it.

This happened in the space of somewhere between 30 and 60 seconds while I was still in sight heading towards the mailbox.

The most mind-numbing thing about this is they must have seen me drop it (as they drove up right when I ran past). They knew who it belonged to. What could they possibly have hoped to find?

No one posts cash, except for elderly grandmothers who don’t know that the post office scans mail and swipes any cash it finds. I am the venereal and mental opposite of an elderly grandmother.

A cheque is useless, since only the payee can cash it. The entire experience left me with a bizarre twilight zone taste in my mouth.

It was, plain and simple, a Cunt’s Act.

I know where they live now, because the car later appeared in the driveway of the house across the street from the CA location.

It is a situation that demands revenge (as per the International Situations Requiring Revenge manual, Volume II, Chapter 4, Section 3a). Here are my options:

• Lay a stripe in the exhaust pipe of their car.

Really, there is no other option, despite the logistical problems involved in enacting it.

If you find a shit in the exhaust pipe of your car, it is a sure sign you have been involved in one or more Cunt’s Acts.