Day in, day out, I have to put up with, “Why can’t you be more like Mr Darcy?” Since I don’t know what a Mr Darcy is, but having a lot of time on my hands since my fall off the Berlin wall, I decided to find out.
The Darcy has something to do with mutton dressed up like chops. After my exhaustive research, that was the best I could come up with to explain why all the girls swoon at the mere mention of the name.
Featured: A picture of Mr Darcy’s mutton chops
The Darcy power can leave a female dazed and glassy eyed, which is of course a fantastic and cheaper substitute for Rohypnol.
In a nightclub, saying “I was voted last year most like Mr Darcy”, or even in a pinch “I was the understudy for Mr Darcy in our school’s production of Pride and Prejudice” is guaranteed to get results.
The targeted female will become light-headed, swoon a little and then say, “Oh, Mr Darcy”.
Remember, nineteenth century English ladies spread their legs faster than a lawnmower spreads a sack full of kittens. How else do you think that tiny island got to have so many millions of people?
Anyway, if Mr Darcy gets you laid then that’s great, he can take the credit any time he likes.
Oh, and apparently Keira Knightley would be great if she had a boob job. I’m not convinced.