I have a cold at the moment.

The disadvantage to this is that a boisterous band of itinerant snot factory workers have set up camp in my nose. It also tends to make me fall asleep in unusual places, such as on the breasts of strippers at the Crazy Horse or next to the Lucky Envelope stand at the Mildura Show.

The advantage of having a cold is that my schnoz is full of snot, ready to shoot out at a moment’s notice.

Thus we arrive at the first Marvel of Modern Man: the Bush Blow.

This amazing technique requires no tissues, handkerchief or sticky fingers* to clear out the nasal passage. While pansies and sheilas are forever blowing into a tissue, the Modern Man has already kicked his pesky boogers to the footpath.

The technique is deceptively simple: Place one finger over one nostril. Blow air through the nose. Repeat with the opposite nostril covered.

I’m not quite sure why a baby need be involved in this picture, but who knows what goes through the minds of artists?

It’s an exhilarating experience, much like that first hit of sweet methadone for a junkie.

If you’re lucky (and many of us are), you may develop enough skill to create a “double-headed baton”. Otherwise known as the “rotating gorby” or the “double-donged dog”, this masterwork of the bush blow has inspired the most exciting scientific research since room temperature superconductors were shown to be a childish fantasy.

The Rotating Gorby: Fly, my darlings, fly

* Incorrect application of the technique can result in sticky fingers