You are not permitted to view this website if:
- You are unfamiliar with the concept of humour, especially satire.
- You are offended by adult language, opinions, gnomes, the internet, green text, humour, young people, anything, everything, exploratory surgery, pet food, callipers, lewd behaviour, stunts, laughter, pork, porkers, pork pie, porkies, pig related humour, innuendo, laminated magazines, your own genitals, genitals in general, fortified buildings, fortified wine, pluto, collostomy bags, touching, kissing, heavy petting, rooms that charge by the hour, prostitution, christian values, hardcore animal porn, lemmings, puppets, sound, necrophilia, kites, lime clothing, lime cordial, limes, money shots, audio/visual entertainment systems, cloaking devices, appendages, household chemicals, illusion, chrome, pot plants, planted pot, fecundity, sterility, anti-anti behaviour, time dilation, history, back doors, whips, hair, nasal mucous, pastry, doctors and nurses, floppy disks, floppy dicks, cleft palette, downtime, going down, going the growl, chewing charlie, reaping havoc with the gutted rabbit, titillation, protein, foot races, car racing, race in general, taking the piss, imagination, short sentences, virgins, sexually active hobos, donkeys, lights on after 10pm, minorities, majorities, stubble or photography.
- Anyone has ever accused you of being humourless, out of touch, uptight, pasta, close minded, easily aroused, stupid, a folk singer, having a bug up your arse, prescient or God.
If you are not permitted to view this website, rather than reading it, getting offended and complaining, you should close your browser, uninstall it, then contact your ISP and/or systems administrator and discontinue your internet connection.
If you believe anything you find on this website (or on any website), you are more stupid than I thought. You should not use anything on this website as part of a school assignment and/or during dinner conversation.
Everything on this website is either my opinion or not my opinion. I reserve the right to be right even though I’m wrong. I reserve the right to contradict myself. Everything on this website has been invented for the purpose of entertainment and/or proving that my opinions are correct.
Disclaimer — Articles
I can tell you what my articles are not: journalism. In journalism you’re not meant to have an opinion. They tell you that in journalism school. You write down what other people say. You present a balanced view of an issue (whatever that means).
Well, that blows. You won’t find any of that shit here. The articles on my page are my own opinion, as biased as I like, and may well contain stuff I made up. That’s the kind of guy I am.
Disclaimer — Stories
I write stories. Sometimes they suck arse. Sometimes they rock so hard my breasts feel like there is a pair of steel plates behind them.
I post the shitty ones up here. The good ones will remain with me, as the world is not good enough for them.