What’s it like to be smart, to see four dimensionally where others see only in three? Is there any way to tell how smart I really am?

I tried those IQ test things but they’re useless because even if I’m drunk I still score a perfect twenty.

I would love to get all the great thinkers of the world onto this topic (but if IQ tests and all the others are worthless, how do you tell who is a great thinker?)

Guys like Edward de Boner, get him on the case. He is apparently so smart he has six different hats.

I only own two caps and a giant condom that can be worn on the head. Anyone with six hats must be way smarter than me.

I guess that’s why people like Deep Boner are international celebrities and I’m just some dipshit poison taster for the King of Sweden.

I don’t even like poison! I don’t like tasting and I definitely don’t like the King of Sweden. If you think I sound bitter, you’re right. I only have three hats—of course I’m going to be bitter...or is that just a hint of cyanide in the soufflé?

Due to my lack of hats I don’t have the thinking power to tackle the big issues.

World poverty, terrorism, nuclear weapons and the environment: they’re too hard for me.

That’s why I leave the big issues to the eminent thinkers throughout history: people like Nostradamus, Harry Houdini and George W. Bush.

Me, I’m left to consider issues such as whether or not we should carve a likeness of Kimberley Davies’ breasts onto a cliff-face somewhere in Australia, and whether or not that would rival Mt Rushmore.

It would be a toss up. Or toss off.