It’s coming up on 2006—almost time for the yearly website revamp.

Next year I’m thinking a number of regular themed columns are required to help add some order and certainty to the site, because at the moment it’s a chaotic mass of swirling energy not unlike my toilet bowl after a beer’n’curry night—which is not a bad thing, but I don’t like instability—all the T’s jotted and eyes crucified, you know—and not too many parenthetical dashes—which means columns, columns, columns. Halt the chaos, give in to order. And curry.

These are the current ideas.

The Daily Squeeze

A daily two-minute interview with some of the world’s richest and most famous oranges.

The Loam Dome

Daily updates and commentary on prices of loam, gravel and other earth-related supplies on the world commodities market. This one might need to be spiced up from time to time with the latest news on peat moss research.

The Mental Stroke

A daily investigation on new research into the relationship between the brain and the sexual response to stroking various parts of the body. Plenty of nude pictures would be required to explain this fascinating and ultimately relieving subject.

The Weekly Sponge

Our roving reporter, straight from the gutter outside the McDonalds in the Elizabeth city centre, will take you to the most exotic, unusual and even illegal places to have his weekly sponge bath.

Ever wondered what the people of India would do if a filthy westerner stripped down and sponged up in the Taj Mahal?

Now you can find out.

The Daily Tongue

Speaking of sponges, you don’t need a sponge if you’ve got a tongue. This column will be a daily idea for an unusual use or an unusual place you can put your tongue (other than rimming, which everyone already knows intuitively).

The sidebars will include trivia on famous people who lacked tongues and what crimes in the Middle East carry the penalty of de-tonguing.