When I went on my recent Vision Quest™, Adam Sandler was my spirit guide.

He taught me:

• Golf really is the sport of fags.
• People who get rich by chance or through birth usually deserve it.
• Looking at a sixty-year-old man’s big beautiful balls flopping around is not only acceptable, it can be good for you.
• Violence is a suitable reaction to just about anything, especially being mistaken for Ben Stiller.

I could read philosophical ramblings for two thousand years and not learn such useful things. I owe it all to my spirit guide, the admirably well hung Adam Sandler.

When I first walked into the Vision Quest™ customer centre, I didn’t know what to expect.

Was this to be just more new age quackery based loosely on the mystical beliefs of some tribal races?

The Vision Quest™ employees strapped me into the chair. They placed several sensors on my scalp and inserted tubes into various orifices.

I must admit I felt scared for a while. Then my vision faded out. Out of the darkness I saw a light. Adam Sandler walked towards me holding a candle.

He motioned for me to follow him. I did. He led me to a room that had a couch and a home entertainment system. We proceeded to watch all his movies and listen to all his albums. I definitely got my money’s worth on my Vision Quest™.