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He came unto the teen audience, their lonely mothers and their closet homosexual fathers, as a shepherd. Inspired by his virginal purity and potential to unblock drains with his steel-wool hair, the populace voted and raised him to the highest pinnacle. And now I, like Moses, have come down from the mountain bearing a pair of stone dildos to say, “Cast out your craven idol and worship him no more.” His songs are all so bland. When he appeared on your karaoke competition he showed you all his shiny skills and original arrangements. But no more. He is churning out hacked pop drivel. “You’re like a pendulum”? What the fuck sort of lyric is that? Instead, you will follow the rule of the dildo, and pleasure each other with cylinders of stone and steel and vibrating plastic. For mine is the word, the one and true: drop your virginity to the dildo.
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