MARRY A VIRGIN

MARRY A VIRGIN!

(Investigator 23, 1992 March)

You've decided you'd like to get married. Why not go about it the superstitious way?

Firstly you have to find your prospective spouse. A girl finds this easier than a man because she will see her future mate in her dreams if she pins her garters to the wall and arranges her shoes into a T-shaped pattern:

I pin my garters to the wall,
And put my shoes in the shape of a T,
In hopes my true love for to see,
Not in his apparel nor in his array,
But in the clothes he wears every day.
If I am his bride to be,
If I am his clothes to wear,
If I am his children to bear,
I hope he'll turn his face to me,
But if I am not his bride to be,
If I am not his clothes to wear,
If I am not his children to bear,
I hope he'll turn his back to me.

The engagement ring must be diamond, sapphire, emerald or ruby since these stones have good-fortune promoting properties. The girl must be careful not to lose the ring since such an event heralds quarrels, desertion and even death.

Of course the bride must be a virgin. This is because venereal disease is cured by intercourse with a virgin! If the bridegroom's got the "pox" he must make sure to get the "token of virginity".

It's unlucky to marry on Friday or Saturday. Pick your day carefully:

Monday for wealth
Tuesday for health;
Wednesday's the best day of all;
Thursday for crosses,
Friday for losses
And Saturday no luck at all.

As regards the month of the wedding avoid rainy months: "Unhappy is the bride the rain falls on."

A stormy wedding day signifies a stormy marriage. Also June is lucky and May unlucky. Consider:

Married in January's hoar and rime
Widowed you'll be before your prime.
Married in February's sleepy weather
Life you'll tread in time together.
Married when March wind shrill and roar
Your home will be on a distant shore.
Married 'neath April's changeful skies
A chequered path before you lies.
Married when bees o'er May blossoms flit
Strangers around your board will sit.
Married in month of roses — June
Life will be one long honeymoon.
Married in July with flowers ablaze
Bitter-sweet memories on after days.
Married in August's heat and drowse
Lover and friend in your chosen spouse.
Married in September's golden glow
Smooth and serene your life will go.
Married when leaves in October thin
Toil and hardship for you begin.
Married in veils of November mist
Fortune your wedding ring has kissed.
Married in days of December cheer
Love's star shines brighter from year to year.

What should the bride wear? That's easy: "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue!" But she mustn't try any of it on before the wedding day. That would bring bad luck! The color of the bridal gown had better be correct too:

Married in white, you have chosen aright;
Married in red, you'd better be dead;
Married in yellow, ashamed of the fellow;
Married in blue, your lover is true;
Married in green, ashamed to be seen;
Married in black, you'll ride in a hack;
Married in pearl, you'll live in a whirl;
Married in pink, your spirits will sink;
Married in brown, you'll live out of town.

At the wedding the bride must cry or at least pretend! Otherwise her marriage will be full of tears. A wedding ring is necessary because turning it three times around on the finger brings luck. Also:

Rubbed three times in the eye
A wedding ring will cure a stye.

You'll need lots of confetti because confetti assures prosperity and fertility.

On the wedding night you'll both need an aphrodisiac. Crocodile eyes, the right testicle of an ass, and human brains have all been recommended. Make arrangements with your butcher.

After the honeymoon comes the worry of retaining your spouse's affection. An Irish method is for the woman to open a grave of someone buried for nine days, cut some skin off, tie the skin at night around the leg of her lover and remove it in the morning before he wakes up!

May wedded bliss be yours!

(M)

The intention in the above is to show that superstition is silly.
Readers should not construe the article as giving advice.